disorder

i can't keep thinking of this
disorder, this
sickness, my weakness,
obsession is thick.

you were silent and sweet
as your feet followed suit
as you walked in the room
and close locked the door.

the pushpin in my lips
pushed its way to your hips
and swallowed it all,
all the things i'd been holding.

the pushpin through my lips
found its way to your hips,
stayed silent and wishing.

this was all calculated,
a gameplan created
from knowing the knowledge
you'd read there before.

it's a book i should never have shown you
should have left its spine uncreased
and your spine unarched
and your page untouched

let someone else break you,
so i wouldn't be broken.

tuesday.

i will force your arm down,
so i can plunge inside you.
i'll be the chemical that stops your heart.

i'll watch your chest rise,
your breathing slow
as your eyes turn sweet
with soiled, virgin innocence

if i could just slip these slivers
under your fingernails
the means, the end, the scene in my head

you knew exactly what to do,
played the player
on her flat fucking field.

and it was just to prove you could,
so i'll be the chemical that stays inside
i'll take my time
to dull the senses you've not already destroyed

you fucked to prove you could,
so i'll ruin you till i've run my course
coursing, carving through vessels

you'd never have known
if my poison weren't screaming
down your hallways
leaving the salty spots behind

a reminder of the pain you won't feel
as i push closer to your heart
digging dirty daggers
into your barely beating machine

screaming with each twist,
till the bolts loose from the rib cage
and i'm heaving

and screaming
and pulling and

your eyes begin to fade,
like these sugar sweet salt spots
fossilizing the first innocent feeling
to wetly cascade

across my terrain
petrifying, preserving
the hate that makes me shake.

all of my overused words in one place

Push me away.
I’ve got your lips on a string, your face on a leash, your life in the grip of my fist.
Pull me close.
I’ve got your hips feeling brave, your breath coming clean, your eyes in the dark of my kiss.
Strip them away.
I’ve got your clothes on the ground, your face to the sky, your life in this shadowy place.
Finish your ghost.
I’ll have you screaming for less, crying for more, shaking and breaking and spilling to me
When you’re flooding my sheets, with the sweat that turns sweet, eating us till we decay.

relevant

I know what it does, I know what it feels like, I know what it sounds, what it smells, what it looks like.
I know who you are.
You know you should hate me, I know that you will.
You know I’m everything you want, so give me everything and I’ll fuck it all up.
I’ll spin you around till you don’t know the way down,
till the dark and the light come crashing without sound,
and it’s there you’ll find I’m nowhere to be found.
Lost and confused, broken and used, both sides left abused:
broken in two.
I’m only returning the favor, I’m only hurting you as you know you could hurt me too.
I am the first, and the few.
I am the blue of your beautiful bruise.

smile.

I can see that same smile of satisfaction when they play right into you,
just the way I do.
When you pull up, they go down
and it’s just to prove you can.
they want you
and they have you.

I can see that fabric friction starting fires when they push right into you,
pushing nails through my palms.
When they go up, you go down
and it’s just to prove you’re in control
looking for a challenge.

I can feel their hands
I can feel the seams
I can see your mouth in its devil curve,
and the holes in my palms
are splitting with the knuckle count,
the concrete census

I can feel that bloody breaking bone when you play right into
just the way you’re not.
When you light the shitty stage in my skull ablaze
and it’s just to prove you can.
and it’s just to prove you’re in control.
and they play and push right into you,
and I can see your smile.

reach

let me reach down,
find that god-fearing bone
and rip it out of my body.

this rift, this time shift
has bended and changed my shape
of mind

and whatever ends up inside
is sure to be ruined
in no time.

east

this is the art i want to create
i need to create
that fills me

with ghost replacements
of the pieces i leave behind
pieces that turn my shades

more and more grey
more and more transparent
less and less me

more and more ghost
replacements of pieces
that were never really mine.