dreaming

we were in your old room

the early sunrise creeping through the windows

and dancing across your skin

you woke up and caught me staring

then smiled, kissed my forehead

and held me close

we kissed and wrestled in bed, laughing

then got up and made breakfast and coffee.

*words by Alexandra, edited and stolen by me

week

I still say 'we'
like I belong to anything
This ink still bleeds
through the page

I still say 'you'
like you belong to anyone
And I don't know
when that's gonna change

So I'm here for the night
'cause I sure as hell can't drive

I'm still sitting here
in our place at the bar
Trying to pretend
this isn't fading

I'm still surprised
by the look in your eyes
When you find out
I'm drinking
again

I'm here for the week
if you want to see me
Just a cup of coffee
and I'm on my way

severed cells

Statements of identity

Assertions of consciousness

An ego

A separation between myself

And you

A recognition of our sameness

Our shared experience

Split between skin
Severed cells

fuzzy comfort

"hold onto the memories; they will hold onto you."

I am gripping the memories like a toddler clutching a baby chick, 
unknowingly choking the life out of it, 
squeezing even after the struggle stops, 
unaware of the heat leaving its body.

I am steeped in nostalgia, 
slowly leaking nutrients into the air around me. 
I am strung out on sleeplessness, 
looking for a fix of anything familiar.

I am a raw fucking nerve. 
I just want some fuzzy comfort, 
even if it's already gone cold.

charge

Distracted by that which

Is not a distraction

Distracted by that which

Is the current

The flow beneath my skin

The charge between the empty space

That makes up who I am

Distracted from the distraction

By a distraction

Finish the thought

Finish the th

Fin

train

We’re standing on a packed commuter train. You’re sick, nausea rearing its head after an evening of standing, swaying, smiling, singing. The train settles into a gentle rocking rhythm; I wrap one long, lanky arm entirely around your waist, the other in a death grip on the metal railing above our heads, and you lock your body into place against mine. The florescent background of conversation fades as my focus centers on your hair against my chest, your rhythmic breathing, your steady intention, gingerly moving from one moment to the next. My hands have spent the night cautiously dodging your stomach, unable to acknowledge the truth growing inside, but now, feeling the rounded flesh through layers of cotton, I am acutely aware of the current coursing through my skin, reaching to engage this strange and precious intruder. Your hands clutch my skin with every jerk and jolt of the train; station stops shake you out of your reverie long enough to look up at me with bleary eyes and kiss me softly. High speeds turn to a gentle rocking, a hundred strangers sharing this giant metal crib.

Stream of consciousness

We bought a hotel in the same town

It didn’t make sense to go far, we had to get to Oakland the next morning

I paid for it out of my defense fund,

Savings kept since childhood, gaining interest

Without a second thought

And we kept the leftover food

Actually the whole goddamn meal, untouched

In the shitty hotel fridge

But I claimed one bed to myself, older-brother style

You two shared the other

Brothers on a hotel bed,

Haven’t we heard that somewhere before?

The words reconfigure

The meanings reflect

I turned the TV on low, no one was watching

We may have been talking

Or may have been silent

Basking in the afterglow of a lifelong argument

I remember thinking, how glad I am

That we can run away now

Like we never could then
We can run away and pretend

copper wire

Because I held my heart in my hair

Trapped in its cage,

Wrapping braids around ventricles

hidden from sun

Because I grew it long with love

Stretched thin,

wrapped around like copper wire

Because I felt your fingers in my hair

Searching,

Softly sorting through follicles

carrying current from your fingertips

Because the strands became snarled

Strangling tissue,

with the ridges in your fingerprints

Because you left my heart

Hidden in shadow,

Gave up your search

so I gave up the ghost.

double down

hold your breath,
Watch the capillaries break
Spreading spiderwebs across your face

hold your breath,
Double down
Sprinkle whiskey like ashes

hold your breath,
Until it leaves your mind
Until it’s alright

Until next time
hold your breath

released

Powder your fuck ups

Powder your cheeks

Porcelain, perfect

Hazy and dream-like

Ready for war,

Wait in the clinic

Arms at your side

Tongue at the ready

Finger release,

An easy mistake

Stumble out drunkenly 

Future delayed 

Outline your eyes,

With a scope 

Or a barrel

The safety released 

Watch for a sign,

Real or conjured

In the spiraling metronome 

Of your mind