uncomfortable shifting

I used to think about death, your death,
dying suddenly in an accident and the process of coping with that loss

I used to think about devastation, hopelessness,
shaking in an emergency room while your body lay on a steel frame hospital bed

I used to think of you broken, as a shell
a shell made of flesh to contain all the love I felt

I used to think about our children, and the future
and the future that died along with your fragile frame

I used to think of how I would kiss your dying lips
Now I wish that I could lay by your side
For another night
For just another few hours of uncomfortable shifting
From side to side and wishing
Wishing I could get out of bed
and comfort a screaming child
Wishing I could stare out the windows of the house we bought together
bathing in the orange streetlight.