Tonight

I don’t have anything to say tonight
But I feel like writing anyway
I keep starting and stopping
And starting again
And it’s all shit

When I smile too wide
It feels wrong
When I suddenly cry
I feel tired
When I hear the flat tone
In my voice
The cadence of sadness
I’m expected to feel
I’m just playing the part of grief

I don’t have anything
To say

Sun-kissed

I’m a little sun-kissed.
I guess,
it feels scary to go outside,
After being tethered.

I’m a little numb.
I guess,
ninety-proof daydreams fade,
When your tolerance goes up.

I’m not asking for fearlessness.
I guess,
i’m asking you to surrender,
Accept what is.

I’m getting a dog.
I guess,
when life gives you trauma,
Respond with love.

Fade

Watercolors fade
Dripping down the TV screen
Moving pictures of old movies
racist Westerns

The volume stays low
Reading lips on the TV screen
Lightweight distractions and
casual misogyny

The IV pole stands
Dripping medication
Dropping straight to your heart
improvised nursing

Thermostat stays high
Pumping air through the house
Beads of sweat on the forehead
shaking with cold

Watching you fade
Day after day
The picture on the TV screen
static and grey

Saturated

When the good memories hit
They snap against my skin
like brittle plastic
Sun-bleached and weathered
Tiny shards
Scattered across the lawn

When the good memories hit
Your voice sounds warm and full
like a dad
Not just a father
Your pride
Flowing across the phone line

When the good memories hit
The music plays
like a movie script ending
Sepia-drenched and curling
At the corners
Saturated sentiments

Ghosts

If there are ghosts
Then I live with one
Or maybe more
Trapped in the mantle
Or tapping on the door
Restless and weary

If there are ghosts
And it’s not just memories
Then maybe it’s the smell
Of my thoughts
Instead of the reality
Of your suffering

If there are ghosts
They live inside of me
Barely contained
Blending with dreams
And violent scenes
Playing inside of me