watching

the snow falls in bursts,
and I stand at the window,
watching

I feel you before I hear you,
your warmth reaching for my body,
signaling your arrival,
your breath landing gently on my neck

I cradle your chin with my shoulder,
your arms wrap around me,
my chest expands,
and I hold my breath

as you kiss my neck,
hold your lips against the pulse,
feel it quicken,
a down-shift-pedal-stomp response

the snow falls in bursts,
and we stand at the window,
watching

manic

i'm sitting alone upstairs
steeped in privilege yet resentful

of your mania
of my lack of control
of the inevitable brain damage
caused by my incessant consumption

you give me a warm place to sleep
a home when I have none

and I resent your mania
I resent your depression
I resent everything
I do not experience

everything that represents
a lack of control
everything I've given up

home

today i realized i've been home
as long as i was there
but home has felt like
the blur of a day spent watching television
while there felt like
the blur of a day spent climbing mountains
or biking canals
or looking at Van Gogh
or walking through cathedrals
or taking mushrooms
and watching neon lights across the water
and seeing faces in the trees
and humming songs to each other in the park.

ghosts

i see the shape of your face

in the shadows of bedrooms

and living rooms

and kitchens

and couches

and patios

and front porches

and back seats

and day dreams

and night mares

and soft morning light

and sunsets

and ghosts

pour another

pour another shot

and forget what we’re missing

forget i’m missing you

fall in line 

with all the wounded soldiers 

stacked along the countertop

pour out the rest

another beer, bubbling

and sliding down the drain

purse my lips

in dry desperation 

reaching for another drop

another memory

of kissing smooth aluminum

another drink to soothe

the wounded soldiers

lined along the countertop

please, pour another shot

bedtime

thanks for the reminders
and the goals
and the memories

isn't it obvious
I'm trying to get better
trying to get sober

converting our history
to a one hour photo
a chemical blur

the timelines
the soft lines
the corners of your eyes

the sweet shape of your face
resting on my shoulder
pulling you closer

but don't worry
I'm trying to be better
really trying to be sober

I'm only drinking vodka in the morning
whiskey in the afternoon
and beer before bedtime